I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
