it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
