god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
