She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
