before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
