3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
