two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize