I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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