Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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