Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
