Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
