the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
