you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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