giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
