there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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