Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
