Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
