tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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