well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize