I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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