i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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