I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm just crazy horny about you
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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