I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
