phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
