peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
