I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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