So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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