Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
