you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize