Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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