Will you blow on my dice?
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Randomize
