I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
