I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
