Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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