i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
