There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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