you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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