I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
