i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
