I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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