Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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