whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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