Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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