If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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