my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A bitchslap is in order.
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