"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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