Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
