chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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