Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
