I think I won the penis lottery.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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