a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
