I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize