I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
