Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
