i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
