Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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